BDSM – unpleasant result of the *patriarcy*, NOT those who crave it

30 June, 2011 at 8:57 am (Uncategorized)

So, there’s some shit going down about this over at I Blame the Patriarchy. I have a view that I  haven’t seen represented anywhere (yet), and it goes like this: I crave certain aspects of BDSM in my sex life. Not because I think it’s great, or liberating, not because I’m fooled about it. I know full well that our culture’s obsession with Dominance and Submission, or with linking sex and power, is a product of the patriarchy, the kierarchy. But you know what? That doesn’t magically erase it from my mind. Hell, I wish it did.I wish knowledge of the nature of the patriarchy and its effects erased all the bullshit I’ve absorbed over the years, but most of it is still in there, along with all the other issues and mess and chaos.In my case, it’s all tied up with childhood abuse and the subsequent skewed development of my sexuality. Sex was tied into submission before I would have even thought about sex at all.

The thing is, I still feel happy when a stranger compliments my appearance (though I also feel a little annoyed that it’s seen as any of their business), I still like to look “pretty” (though I also make efforts to find self-esteem from other, less crappy sources) and I still find it hard to get off without feeling like I’m surrendering to someone (though I’m not proud of it, and am trying to re-figure my desires). Like everything, it’s a work in progress, and feeling like something is unhealthy and damaging doesn’t stop me from wanting it. I can try not to *do* it, sure (because getting over damaging addictions is the easiest thing in the world, right?), but not craving it? That’s going to take some serious work, and in the meantime I don’t appreciate being reviled by my feminist comrades.

Attacking women for wanting, or engaging in, this type of stuff is like attacking them for complying with femininity – victim blaming much?